


dear lucas

by eponinethenardiers



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Ableism, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-20 18:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18130205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eponinethenardiers/pseuds/eponinethenardiers
Summary: The week following ep 8 from Eliott's perspective. Based on a headcanon that in this universe, Eliott will be the one to push Lucas away. Warnings for internalised ableism, depressive episodes, and dark thoughts. I am not bipolar, so I may get things wrong, it's just based off my own experiences with depressive episodes.





	dear lucas

_Lucas._

That’s the first thing he thinks once his mind clears. If he’s being honest with himself, it’s the same thought he’s been having for eight weeks, the only person who’s been on his mind. But now it burns even brighter, more intense, as his heart calls out to the only person he wants to be with in this moment.

His parents are, rightfully, worried, and fretting over him the way only parents can. They ask him about a million questions, they call his psychiatrist, his therapist, anyone who can help, or rather just help  _them_  calm down. It’s not like it’s the first time it’s happened, but it’s just as scary every time.

Lucille is there. Of course she is. Lucille is always there, always has been, since the day he was diagnosed. She would never leave his side when he needed her. Yet now, she’s the last person he wants to see. He’s done being treated like a patient, and all this will do is make her think she’s right, that he can’t be trusted to take care of himself. She’ll tell his parents that he shouldn’t be living alone, that he should have supervision, that he needs more people monitoring him all the time. And they’ll listen, because it’s Lucille. Lucille who always knows best, who knows Eliott best.

He asks about him, but nobody will answer. When he asks Lucille what happened to Lucas, if he got home okay, she just looks at him with a mixture of disgust and pity. “I’m sure he’s fine,” she says, but it’s not good enough. “That’s not what matters right now,” she says, but she’s wrong. Does he know now? He must. Someone must have given him an explanation. Lucas shouldn’t have heard it from anyone else, he should’ve heard it from  _Eliott_ , he should’ve had the chance to explain himself to Lucas. The only person who knows Eliott’s mind is himself. No one else can speak for him, not when it comes to Lucas. No one else could possibly know how Eliott feels about Lucas.

He spends the weekend curled up in bed at his parents’ house. He barely eats, he won’t talk to anyone. Lucille tries to come and see him, to stay with him, but he tells his parents not to let her in. They get into a fight about it. It’s not until his voice starts shaking and his volume gets dangerously high that they realise he’s serious. He doesn’t want Lucille there. He tries to sleep, but he can’t. When he sleeps, he dreams of Lucas, and that’s too much pain at the moment.

He doesn’t go to school on Monday, or at all during the week. Every time he thinks about facing Lucas he feels sick. He tells his parents he needs more time and they accept it, telling him to take as much time as he needs. He can tell underneath it all they’re thinking that he’s going to fail his bac again, but they have enough sense not to say anything. Not when they see his red eyes and tired expression. He doesn’t know how long he can put off returning to school, but at least he has the week. He can deal with next week when it comes to that, and the week after that, and the week after that.

It’s Monday when he gets the first text.

_Lucas: Hi_

He ignores it. He doesn’t want to know what Lucas is thinking, what he probably thinks of Eliott now. He doesn’t want to hear the breakup speech. Not yet.

_Lucas: Please answer me_

_Lucas: Eliott I’m worried. Tell me you’re okay._

Okay? How can he be okay? He just ruined the best thing in his life. At best Lucas thought he was crazy and couldn’t take care of himself. At worst he hated him and thought the past few weeks had been a lie. If he answered him, he would find out, and that was the last thing Eliott wanted. Living with the possibilities was somehow better than getting the dreaded confirmation.

_Lucas: Went to the park today. Thought of you._

_Lucas: Everything makes me think of you._

_Lucas: Please, Eliott._

After a few more texts Lucas gets the hint. He sends one final text, on Thursday, the one that well and truly breaks Eliott’s heart.

_Lucas: Okay. I understand. I’m sorry if any of this was my fault._

His fault? Eliott doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or scream. How could any of this be Lucas’s fault? No, this was Eliott’s fault. Eliott and his stupid brain. Eliott and his crazy brain. Eliott who can’t be trusted, Eliott who screws everything up. Maybe Lucille is right, maybe he can’t be trusted. Maybe he does need someone like her to take care of him, someone who’s willing to sacrifice their life for his. No, that can’t be it. He can’t deal with Lucille anymore, he just can’t. He can never go back to her after what he had with Lucas. He doesn’t know if he can be with anyone after Lucas. Everything else will just be a pale imitation of their time together.

He doesn’t really notice when he finally gets up. He gets dressed, he puts his shoes on, he grabs his keys, but he’s not really present. He hasn’t been present for a week. His parents are overjoyed when he comes out of his room, but their smiles quickly fade when they see the same tired expression on his face. He tells them he needs air, that he’s going out for a walk. He promises them he’ll be home in an hour, two at the most. They’re reluctant to let him go, but he gives them a weak smile and says he feels better, that he needs this. He wants to leave the house. When they offer to come with him, he makes a flimsy excuse about needing his independence, about needing time to clear his head, alone. They really shouldn’t buy it. They do anyway.

He doesn’t know where he’s walking, but he lets his feet carry him. All he can see is every moment with Lucas — Lucas playing the piano for him, Lucas kissing him for the first time, Lucas asleep next to him in the morning sun. Lucas calling him his boyfriend and introducing him to all his friends, posting pictures of them on Instagram for everyone to see. He wants to cry but the tears just don’t come. He’s past the point of tears. His heart is broken, and there’s no one to blame but himself.

It’s not until he finds himself at the gate of La Petite Ceinture that he comes back to reality. That he understands what his mind is telling him. He opens the gate, walks toward the bridge, and takes out his phone and finally begins to type.

_Dear Lucas…_


End file.
